The Fear.

Its 3:00am and I can’t sleep. I have a trip to London in the morning where I will spend three days having some important meetings. I always get a little bit anxious before a trip, whether it’s recreational or business, something about change of scenery always strikes me with a little bit of fear.

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The Rollercoaster of 2018.

Every time I think I am done with this post, I swiftly delete it and begin the process of rewriting. There is no way to sum up how the last year has gone apart from one word; unpredictable. Last year, I summarised 2017 as a year of learning and growth. I started therapy and I moved back home, two events which at the time, I was resisting with all that I could – but didn’t realise that I needed so crucially to save my life. There is no way of sugarcoating it, if I had kept on living my life the way I was living it, I don’t think I’d be here today.

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Christmas for Adoptees.

Christmas is one of the most incredible times of year. It’s a time for us to allow our inner child to come out and play. Where we can eat what we like because calories don’t count during the festive period – trust me, it’s scientifically true. It’s the part of the year where families all return home, ready to come together and share a lot of love. But what if your family history is fractured? What is Christmas like when you’re adopted?

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Are Dating Apps Ruining Our Mental Health?

Last week, I ceremoniously quit dating apps and well, dating in general. I haven never truly done the single thing, I have never spent time finding myself worthy before handing over my heart to somebody else. For years, my already vulnerable mind has taken blow after blow from the infamous apps. They have become less about finding true love and more about competing against those within 200ft of your location, all of you fighting like vultures for the prey with a sculpted body and strong beard. The Apps are great if all you want is a one night thing, but as a true romantic, all I’ve ever wanted is to find someone who loves me as much as I do them. Instead, all I’ve found is insecurity. It’s never been any sort of secret in my world that I don’t think I am good enough for anybody, not even myself. So for me to put myself out there in this Hunger Games style competition was always going to end in disaster. That disaster came to a head two weeks ago when for the first time in six months, I felt like I wanted to self-harm. I wanted to punish myself for being ugly. 

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Fractured Friendships.

Friendship. One of the most sacred bonds that two can share. They say friends are the family you choose yourself. Friends are the people who share our most personal of moments, they pick us up when we have fallen. Some know the depths that we wouldn’t dare tell our parents. They hold our hands us through daring moments and pull us back from danger. Yes friends are an incredible existence, but the truth is that they’re not necessarily forever. 

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A New Relationship.

I have been on this wonderfully confusing planet for 26 years now, and I have spent most of them in a relationship. In primary school, I was the playground Romeo. I would start the day with one girlfriend before walking down the (pretend) aisle with a different girlfriend at lunch time. I would hold their hand and tell them I loved them only to find they had moved on by the start of the next day. 

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I hate myself.

Have you ever wanted to say something, and you spend a long time lost inside your head conjuring up the perfect structure, finding the right mix of words and stringing together a sentence that you know will take courage to share out loud. And yet, when it comes to saying it, you completely fumble over your words and you know it’s not making sense?

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Be A Hero.

Last weekend I had the immensely proud honour of taking to the panel at the Adoption UK Conference. For those of you who don’t know, I have worked with Adoption UK for a year now. I have graced their magazine, Adoption Today, twice and I have been advocating for the incredible work they do. You see, as an adoptee who grew up in the 90’s and early 00’s, me and my parents were left to fend for ourselves. There was no Adoption UK, there was no support system in place for me to surround myself with people like me. Instead, I was left to answer my own questions and try to find some sort of normal with my family, without any guidance. It was tricky.

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Time. A social construct in which we measure the passing of our lives. It controls when we work. What time we wake up. The time in which we go to bed. It can oversee how long before we say “I love you” and the changing of seasons. Time is a funny thing, isn’t it? It controls our whole lives and yet we don’t realise how much we rely on something that was created out of nothing. 

But time is more than just a social construct. It is so much more than the passing of days, weeks and years. Time is the greatest healer of them all, you see. 

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