Realising My Self-Worth.

As I write this, I am waiting for my bath to fill. I’ve had a long week and up until yesterday, was running on roughly 7 hours sleep in total. I have had deadlines and work and university, and I just got it into my head that if I survived until the weekend, then I could sleep and bath and laze around without a care in the world. I seem to be very good at looking after myself when I’m tired, and I seem to be very capable of acknowledging when I need a physical break. But why am I terrible at reading when I need to give my heart and my mental self a rest?

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Listening.

Two weeks ago, I ventured to London for some work things and along the way I lost myself. Well, I lost my lost self – I actually found my old self. It’s complicated, right? I wrote about how I had become grounded and how I felt like I was discovering who I once was whilst walking the streets and riding the tube. I got lost in a Brexit rally and I ate late night sausage rolls. I vlogged in public and I followed through my tradition of a frozen yogurt on the benches in Covent Gardens.

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The Fear.

Its 3:00am and I can’t sleep. I have a trip to London in the morning where I will spend three days having some important meetings. I always get a little bit anxious before a trip, whether it’s recreational or business, something about change of scenery always strikes me with a little bit of fear.

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The Rollercoaster of 2018.

Every time I think I am done with this post, I swiftly delete it and begin the process of rewriting. There is no way to sum up how the last year has gone apart from one word; unpredictable. Last year, I summarised 2017 as a year of learning and growth. I started therapy and I moved back home, two events which at the time, I was resisting with all that I could – but didn’t realise that I needed so crucially to save my life. There is no way of sugarcoating it, if I had kept on living my life the way I was living it, I don’t think I’d be here today.

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Christmas for Adoptees.

Christmas is one of the most incredible times of year. It’s a time for us to allow our inner child to come out and play. Where we can eat what we like because calories don’t count during the festive period – trust me, it’s scientifically true. It’s the part of the year where families all return home, ready to come together and share a lot of love. But what if your family history is fractured? What is Christmas like when you’re adopted?

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Are Dating Apps Ruining Our Mental Health?

Last week, I ceremoniously quit dating apps and well, dating in general. I haven never truly done the single thing, I have never spent time finding myself worthy before handing over my heart to somebody else. For years, my already vulnerable mind has taken blow after blow from the infamous apps. They have become less about finding true love and more about competing against those within 200ft of your location, all of you fighting like vultures for the prey with a sculpted body and strong beard. The Apps are great if all you want is a one night thing, but as a true romantic, all I’ve ever wanted is to find someone who loves me as much as I do them. Instead, all I’ve found is insecurity. It’s never been any sort of secret in my world that I don’t think I am good enough for anybody, not even myself. So for me to put myself out there in this Hunger Games style competition was always going to end in disaster. That disaster came to a head two weeks ago when for the first time in six months, I felt like I wanted to self-harm. I wanted to punish myself for being ugly. 

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Fractured Friendships.

Friendship. One of the most sacred bonds that two can share. They say friends are the family you choose yourself. Friends are the people who share our most personal of moments, they pick us up when we have fallen. Some know the depths that we wouldn’t dare tell our parents. They hold our hands us through daring moments and pull us back from danger. Yes friends are an incredible existence, but the truth is that they’re not necessarily forever. 

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A New Relationship.

I have been on this wonderfully confusing planet for 26 years now, and I have spent most of them in a relationship. In primary school, I was the playground Romeo. I would start the day with one girlfriend before walking down the (pretend) aisle with a different girlfriend at lunch time. I would hold their hand and tell them I loved them only to find they had moved on by the start of the next day. 

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