I have typed and retyped this blog post so many times. I just keep searching for the words that I cannot find. The last few weeks have shaped my life in a huge way and I honestly don’t know how to feel. One of those situations that you can look at during the night hours when there is nobody awake with one perspective and then in a whole other light the next morning.
Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it? As I sit on my train, the world speeding by on either side of me, I feel pulled along with it. The world sometimes moves so fast and all it takes is one of us to lose our footing before many of us come crashing down. As I sit on my train, with the world speeding by on either side of me, I feel reflective.
You see, nothing in life is forever. Although we may want it to be. No craze will stay in demand forever. No style will ever truly last and no relationship can survive the most extreme test of all; time. Whether it be a friendship or a relationship, it will come, it will light up your life with a powerful surge and eventually, be that down to means in our control or not, the light will slowly extinguish. I am sad. I am deflated. I am exhausted. I accept that nothing in life is guaranteed or built to last, but I can’t help but feel bitter, because I gave it my all. I gave everything I had to something that just wasn’t meant to stand forever and that is the worst pain in the world…defeat. When you think you have given all you have got, and have very little left of your own, you feel exhausted.
You are left with so many questions and have very few answers in return. You begin to look at your surroundings and all of the wonderful things that your world is made up of and you ask yourself why you ever let such a cruel world in. Bitterness is another one of those funny things isn’t it? If you allow it to, then it will consume your world, it will creep in and latch onto everything you thought you had, completely tinting the view from your window. We have a choice in these situations, do we allow bitterness to take hold, or do we close ourselves off from everything, wrapping ourselves in bubble wrap until nothing can penetrate our already aching bodies? And then, finally, we have a third choice, the hardest choice of them all, but the one that is perhaps the most healthy in the long term?
Do we decide to reflect upon a situation until we know what went wrong, where things turned sour and then, slowly but surely, build upon the foundations of our mistakes?
When you were a child, did you ever touch the eyes of a snail and they’d retract? They’d shrink their eyes inside their head and the snail would clench up tight, retracting into its shell in order to protect itself? But do you remember what happened next? Thats right, slowly but surely, the snails eyes would come back out to take another view of the world. I’m not saying we should all carry a hard shell on our backs for when times get tough. But sometimes, when we retract into ourselves because the world is cruel, we simply have to open our eyes again and extend our view. I understand that my analogy is a bit chaotic – but so is my life right now. I had to kiss goodbye to my best friend and turn my back on the world as I know it. I have spent the last 6 days running around pretending that it isn’t happening and that one day we can fall back into each other…but as I sit on my train with the world speeding by on either side of me, I cannot avoid it anymore.
You see, we can take all of the advice from all of the friends in the world. We can run away to our parents house and we can throw ourselves into work, but we are still only avoiding the inevitable – that one day this will all creep up on us, and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. It is time to wake up, throw aside our bitterness as hard as it may be and begin picking up the shattered pieces of our lives. We need to open our eyes and extend them to the world, taking in every breath of fresh air with a sigh of relief. It may be painful, it may seem like the world is closing in all around us, slowly turning to black – but no pain is forever.
Dust off your dancing shoes, knock back a few bottles of wine and eat all of the pizza in the world. Watch shitty movies and catch up with distant friends. Or, like me, book a flight to Australia and take some time to yourself, finding who you once were before you fell in love, before you found your best friend or before the world ever took hold. At the end of the day, as blunt as it sounds, we are born alone and we will die alone. The rest may be full of life, love and people, but you have to stay true to yourself. So take all the time in the world to find who you are. Don’t be pressured by society to grow up too quickly and don’t, whatever you do, lose sight of who you are in order to be more like somebody else cup of tea…drink your own cup of fucking tea and, no matter what, be more snail.
A broken heart doesn’t just come from a failed relationship. It can come from a broken home, break downs in communications and even sometimes, it can just be because you’re sad. It doesn’t matter why your heart is broken, what matters is that you know you can get through it. We can all get through it.
Sorry I have been so silent, but I needed to mend my heart. It’s fixing, I am opening my eyes, and I am ready for my next chapter.