I know I’ve been away for a while, and for that I am sorry. Let me try and explain it to you with this open letter.
As May crept into our lives, I woke up feeling different. I wasn’t quite sure what it was to begin with, so I poured myself a bowl of cereal and carried on. It was during my third coffee of the morning that I realised something had changed within me.
Earlier that week, I had been sat in my managers office having my end of year review. This is where we get to go through the likes of our productivity, the amount we contribute to the business and how we perform overall. I kept hearing her telling me my goals for the next financial year. Over and over again the phrase FY18 was being mentioned, and each time it was getting more muffled.
Since January, I have slowly begun to change my life into a new shape, taking it into a direction I never knew was possible. My abandonment issues and my craving for attention means that I am always craving a sidekick. Somebody to walk through life, cheering my triumphs and supporting my failures. I have spoken before of how I dreamt of the house, the kids, the dogs and the career. But when I woke up last week, I realised, probably for for the first time ever, that I must stand on my own two feet, I must learn to face life alone.
You see, we’ve never had this conversation, you & I. Maybe for the last 8 months, I have been feeling like my circumstances might change, or maybe because I just couldn’t face up to the brutal truth myself. After four years, two rentals, two trips to Florida, a cat and a united front through university, my Fiancé decided he couldn’t do it anymore. I spent so long in denial, so long hating him – and myself. I had spent the last four years with somebody at my side through it all, and now I had to face life alone. You know my dreams of the car, the kids, the house, the husband, the career. They had all gone. They had disappeared. 8 months on, and we are actually the closest of friends. I could never imagine my life without him.
As my manager mentioned FY18, a chord struck my heart. That was it. I was done being sorry for myself. I was done being angry at everything around me. With less than a months rent in savings, I quit my job.
For a few months now, I have been smothered in a place that simply exists to pay the bills. When I first started my retail career, I was also studying in university. As graduation came and went, I was left with a full time job. My time in that job has been dramatic, to say the least. I had also started my journey with a boyfriend, who overtime became my fiancé, then one day, we just didn’t coexist. Suddenly, I had nothing but a job that I now resented.
At the end of June, I will be moving back to my parents for a while before started a journey to the other side of the world. In February, I booked a one way flight to Australia. Come November, I will have no choice but to board that plane and sit by myself for nearly 24 hours as I travel the world through different timezones, with two planes and one 8 hour stop over. It’s only when I get to the other side will I be reunited with one of my true loves. But I can’t just wake up on November 2nd and decide that I am going to start being independent, thus banishing all fears of loneliness. That just isn’t a viable option.
I have spent the last two weeks job free, independent and happy. I left dancooledaily.com behind. It was tired. It was messy and it was becoming something I associated with a time of pain.
So welcome to dancooledaily.co.uk – or DCD2.0 as I am calling it. This is my blog dedicated to my life. To all of my favourite fashions, and to the stories of me catching up with my girls. To my life exploring the single world for the first time in half a decade.
But thats not all. As DCD2.0 became something more than just a vision, I felt like I didn’t want to leave my mental health blogs behind. You see, this blog is not a place to be sad. This is a place to be savage, to shout out to the haters and to stare beautifully at all of the clothes we wish we could afford.
Last month, I registered a new domain. www.mentalhealthdiaries.com is a place for all of the mental health stories. For yours, for mine – for ours. Submit your story, read through others. The website is up and running, the Twitter exists, all I need now is you.
So for now, I wanted to let you know that I am okay. I wanted to apologise for taking a while away from you all, and I wanted to welcome each and every person to the second chapter.