#MentalHealthMonday

Good Enough. #MentalHealthMonday

06/01/2020

If there is one thing that all humans are constantly craving, it’s to be good enough. And in a world where we are consistently pitted against each other, it’s one of the hardest things to feel. Good Enough. We all have different meanings. To each one of us, the words have a different context, a different level. But to most of us, it carries the same overwhelming feeling of drowning. 

I’ve made it no secret in my many years doing this gig that I do not feel good enough. Time and time again I have told you how I constantly strive to be good enough, and in doing so I’ve come to hold myself at such a high, unachievable standard that I constantly implode into a pile of dust. Only to try and build myself up to another raised bar. 

In my career, I probably scrape by at some mediocre level because I don’t give myself a chance. It’s always been a dream of mine to work in a ‘proper’ job in social media. That’s not to say this influencer (eurgh) life isn’t a proper one, by the way. It’s to say that I wanted to work in a 9-5 job fulfilling a dream of creating content for others. And I got that. I was good enough to do that. Every day I have a thousand and one new ideas run through my head that would probably be successful for the people I create content for. However, in my head I run through the imaginary conversation that would follow a potential pitch. My idea would be torn apart. I would be told that it wasn’t good enough and that I should go back and start again. So, instead of listening to the facts, such as the fact that I was good enough to get the job out of everybody else who applied for it, I listen to the imaginary conversation playing out in my head. And it wins. 

I have made no secret that the world of social media is an insanely sharp double edged sword. On one hand, it’s brought me new friends, new potential relationships, new opportunities and even a new income source. But on the other, it has given me new competition. I was already in competition with myself to be better, and now I am in competition with 1000 other people who I see as already being better. You are all genuinely a beautiful bunch, and most of you are incredible humans who I am proud to know, even if it is through a tweet-by-tweet exchange. But in all honesty, I hate that social media has given me this warped view on myself based on how I view myself compared to everybody else. Does that make sense? I don’t know, I’d like to think it resonated with somebody out there. 

And then there are relationships. Oh boy. When J killed himself, there was a lot more that happened behind the scenes. His notes blamed me for everything and his circle quickly turned against me whilst I was also turning against myself. The guilt I carried for so long has been slowly unknotted in therapy, and I can honestly say I no longer hold what I used to hold so tightly. But what he left in my life was a huge craving to be good enough for somebody. At first it started out as a point I felt that I had to prove, because I evidently wasn’t good enough for him, and then it became almost a sadness that once again, I didn’t know if I ever would meet the standards I set in my own head. We’ve spoken about grief at extensive lengths, you and I, and the funny effect it can have on the way we view the world. 

But somewhere between blaming myself for not being pretty and blaming myself for the death of my first love, I realised that all I was doing was telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. For a long time I had forgotten to give myself a chance, and it’s something that I think we are all so guilty of. We constantly preach that we need to listen to ourselves, but rarely do we mention that we should also be looking at ourselves, and more importantly, talking to ourselves. 

You’ll never catch me telling you all that I am some gift from the god of cheese himself, sculpted by hand and walking the earth with my inferior beauty. But, I am good enough for the next love. I am good enough for my job. And I am actually a little bit cute sometimes. Just because the media tells me that I’m not an industry norm, doesn’t mean it’s true. Just because my first relationship imploded spectacularly and I carried all of the blame doesn’t mean that the next one will fall in the same fashion. And just because my self-doubt tells me that my ideas won’t get passed at work doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pitch them anyway – at the end of the day and to quote that awfully disgustingly quote – you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.  

So shoot your shot. Tell yourself you are good enough, especially when you don’t feel it. I know, believe me, that it’s so much harder and deeper than that – but please try it. A few simple nudges in the right direction and for the first time in a long time, I almost feel good enough for this world. 

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