As I write this, I am waiting for my bath to fill. I’ve had a long week and up until yesterday, was running on roughly 7 hours sleep in total. I have had deadlines and work and university, and I just got it into my head that if I survived until the weekend, then I could sleep and bath and laze around without a care in the world. I seem to be very good at looking after myself when I’m tired, and I seem to be very capable of acknowledging when I need a physical break. But why am I terrible at reading when I need to give my heart and my mental self a rest?
Yesterday, before I could head to my bed, I had a two hour stop at the tattoo shop. If you didn’t know, I am in the process of turning my ruby tattoo (that never healed properly and ended up looking like a misshaped scar) into a half sleeve forest design. Whilst I was sat in the chair I got talking to my artist, who is very funny and very straight talking. Last time we discussed the current state of reality TV. “It’s all bollocks, it’s not reality, I want to watch an hour of someone picking muffin crumbs out of their jumper, now thats real” he piped. This time, our attention turned to the only topic I seem to be talking about; my broken heart.
I whinged at him whilst he stabbed my arm with ink, talking about how I had let a boy get inside my head and how over the last week, we had cuddled and then I had watched him with his new romantic interest in a lift. All on top of us breaking up over new year. My artist stopped the needle and just stared at me, shrugged, and then carried on.
“The thing is, Dan my mate, is that I bet there are a hundred men out there who would jump at a chance to date you” I snorted. “Don’t make that noise, it’s true, and yet you will only go with the guys you feel like you need in order to build yourself up”
In four hours of knowing me, my artist had said something that was more truthful than anything I’ve ever heard from anyone. He was right.
Since J died, I have bounced from boy to boy, trying to see what I can take from the relationship that will cure me of my broken heart and chaotic headspace. I often think every time I am in a relationship that my head is calm, almost soothed. And it is, to an extent. But instead of me doubting myself and my own worth, I begin spiralling into a chaotic frenzy of not knowing who I am without the person I am with.
My approach to relationships has been all wrong since day one, because my first relationship itself was all wrong. There are things I will never talk about that went on in those years we spent together, things that set me up for a fail. Instead of trying to find someone loves me and who will build a life with me, I often find someone who will never hurt me that way. It’s a defence mechanism, and defence mechanisms are created to protect ourselves. But as every romance film will tell us, there is no love without a little risk.
I have spent over half a decade looking for the wrong thing. I have been looking for someone to tell me that I am good enough and to tell me that I am worthy – instead of just realising that I am both of those things – and more – already.
This week, I had to watch my now ex with his new interest and it tore me apart. When I shouted about it he shouted back, when all I wanted was an apology. But I no longer need that apology, and why?
Because I realised that no man is ever worth crying over. No man is ever worth changing my personality or my appearance or my anything for. My tattoo artist put it down perfectly when he said told me that we are born alone and we will die alone, so “why are you wasting your time in between on people who aren’t worthy?”
For years I have been running from love and yet running towards love, somehow. I think it’s time to stop running all together. I think it’s time to understand that love will happen, and it will be absolutely amazing. I will find someone and they will find me and we will just exist in this world that we create. I need to stop forcing myself into situations that I think will better me, only to know the whole time in the back of my mind that they will take a little piece of me away. I haven’t got many pieces left to give, and so, instead of just handing them out like they’re free samples in Asda, I will only give them to those that deserve them.
Not everybody we meet is going to be our soulmate. Laura, the one who you all love from the vlogs, will even argue that the idea of a soulmate is wrong. And I don’t think she is entirely off in her argument.
These posts have become therapy to me, and as DCD reaches another birthday, I’d like to be able to look back on the years that I’ve been writing and realise that I have come on a journey of progress and that I am able to achieve things. This post I’d like to remember, was the one where for the first time I realise my self worth and I recognise that some people just aren’t meant to be together – and that doesn’t have to change me, or defeat me as a person.
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