We are all human, some of us are just better at it than others. Me? I’m not that good at the real life thing. I have spent so long holding myself back because of the potential I didn’t think I possessed.
I dream up so many images on the life that I want, but before I’ve even finished my picture perfect dream, I tell myself to stop, because it will never happen.
Why would that ever happen to me? What have I done with my life to achieve, let alone deserve that?
Then I spend hours sulking at all the different reasons why it will never happen. I spend so many hours a day stuck in the motions because I know I could be doing better at pretty much everything – if I just went for it. I’ve found myself stuck in such a rut lately.
- I want to blog – but I can never think of great content.
- I want to change my hair – but I never have the confidence.
- I want to lose weight – but food.
- I want to travel the world and see so many different places – but money.
- I want to excel in my job – but confidence.
- I want to go to so many gigs- but I will never get tickets before they sell out.
- I want to pass my driving test – but I panic when I think about the test.
They may seem like nothing grand, or worthy of worrying over to most, but to me, this is what would make me happy. I used to be a really fun guy. I’d be out most weekends dancing to 90s pop music whilst drinking £1 vodka redbulls. I’d never really care what I looked like and I was always down to my last 30p two days after payday. I was really happy in the way that my life was because I was living to the full. But then something changed.
I think it all stems down to one moment, and its so stupid and small but it changed everything. I was in work one day when an ex employee came in and laid into me. He gave it to me hard, calling me such personal things and listing my flaws like it was some sort of presentation. Now I am an angry cryer so I didn’t really let it affect me until a few hours later when I took myself off to the bathroom in work and cried. I was angry mainly because it was one of those situations where you come up with so many good comebacks after the situation has ended – HOW ANNOYING.
But then, slowly, things started changing, I swapped my vodka redbulls for baths and books. I started taking hours to get ready, I had to make sure I was perfect on the outside so that nobody could get to the chaos on the inside. I stopped going to uni, and caring about my grades. I stopped going to bed, and would often do two days without sleep before completely crashing until the next afternoon, when I’d wake up feeling awful.
It took one change. One catalyst in my life has completely changed everything for the better. It all comes full circle for me, I suppose, as I have stepped up at work. I have taken on keys and more responsibility and it has given me a much needed wake up call. Somebody believed in me and now the potential I see in myself is once again, uncapped.
I have started blogging. Properly, seriously, blogging. I take my posts so seriously because they are like my babies. I now go to bed before midnight (most nights!) and wake up early the next day feeling refreshed. I don’t touch the vodka redbull pop nights anymore, but they’ve been swapped for wine and fine dining. I have so many plans for the next two years that trying to find the time to have a lie in and a lazy day takes at least two weeks of planning. Most importantly though, I feel great.
I did this through no amazing means, it took some effort but its been worth it. I took one of my favourite quotes from my mum..‘When Does The Book End?’ and applied it to my life;
When does the book end on my holding back from my driving test for fear of failing? If I fail, I can try again. When does the book end on me having no confidence in a job that I’ve been doing for two years…and so on..
Write yourself a list. Write the top five things you want to change about yourself, and give yourself 21 days to start..(because it takes 21 days to break a habit). And then give yourself six months reflection. In six months time, reflect on those five things you changed, and I guarantee, with effort, and belief in yourself, at least half of them can be crossed out. Life isn’t a marathon, its a slow and steady race – so don’t spend it all out of breath because you’re trying to be the first to the finish line.
I have come to realise that you cant blame the world for holding you back, you have to look inside, find out what keeps you ticking, and go with it. You won’t be everybody’s cup of tea – but who cares? As long as you are true to yourself, and above all, as long as you are happy.
You only get one life, so don’t spend it moping around because some lowlife called you fat – show that arsehole why you are fabulous and a million times better than them. Whether its an ex boyfriend, a crappy day in work or just a stalemate situation. forgive, forget and live the life you deserve to live.
And so, I shall leave you with this. My favourite quote of all time, and my life motto;
Never Let Anybody Treat You Like A Yellow Starburst, You Are A Pink Starburst.
Go and be a pink starburst, and find the catalyst that will allow you start a whole new book.