Its 3:00am and I can’t sleep. I have a trip to London in the morning where I will spend three days having some important meetings. I always get a little bit anxious before a trip, whether it’s recreational or business, something about change of scenery always strikes me with a little bit of fear.
I spent most of 2018 scared, if I am honest with you. I described it in my last post as riding a rollercoaster, only for the whole of last year I was terrified of rollercoasters. I just constantly wanted to get off. You can be all strapped in but you’ll still check the safety restraints yourself right? A part of us will always want to push against the bar just so we know for certain that we aren’t going to fall out. I guess 2018 for me was all about clinging to the bar, closing my eyes and hoping everything was still as I remember when I opened.
As 2019 rolled in, I made a promise to myself to open my eyes. It doesn’t matter if things have changed and it doesn’t matter how scared I am, I have to open them. And so I did, on the first of January I decided to take a deep breath and view the world with a new perspective.
That perspective was not that I imagined.
I guess a part of me was hoping that everything would have changed, that I would wake up on the first day of the new year and all of my problems would have been left in the past. I was wrong, obviously. You didn’t need telling that, because you know as well as I do that the past doesn’t simply become the past until we are willing to let go of it.
And so, I decided to overlook the shallow end and just throw myself in. For the most part, I was happy. I felt motivated to make the changes I needed to make and to stick to my original goal for this year; to stand boldly and proudly.
So how did it go?
Well I made the finalist of the UK Blog Awards, for a start. I still can’t believe that I, above all of the other bloggers who were nominated, made it to the top eight. We have a long wait until April, where the winner will be announced, but I owe all of that to you. It’s safe to say the year was off to a good start.
I decided to pick up a camera and start filming my life. As a sub-goal of my year goal, I wanted to create 52 weekly vlogs that would document my everyday life; the struggles and the triumphs. Week two went up today and I am enjoying the whole process so far.
I decided to finally wake up and realise that the boy that had been my almost boyfriend should have been my actual boyfriend. It took a lot of soul searching, digging and letting go to realise that. We all know how complicated I am when it comes to relationships and well – my realisation came too late. I just feel like I’ve spent months and months building myself up to believe in my own ability only to have my own failure be my downfall. At this point I am back to square one, questioning whether I will ever find anyone – or whether I will ever accept myself enough to be on my own. It’s a strange and frustrating world and it’s turned my mental health upside down.
I feel like when things go good – they go great. But when one thing slips, for example being rejected by the boy you finally realised you wanted to try with, everything else starts to slip too. I have lost my motivation with my deadlines and I am becoming more and more detached from my phone. They’re usually the two biggest signs that a mental health wave is coming and whilst I’m not sure if I can prevent it, I will stand boldly and proudly against it.
I’ve come to realise that mental health isn’t about the bad days and the good days. It’s about balancing the two. It’s about finding the happy medium and not fearing the change in tides. Sure, I got my hopes up only for love to fail me again, but I also started a weekly vlog, returned to therapy and have some incredible opportunities coming my way over the next few days in London.
A lot of my mental health – and I’m sure many others too, stems from deep rooted fear. I am terrified of never finding love again and I am terrified of not being good enough for anything. But unless I try, I will never know what it will feel like to overcome that fear and stand boldly and proudly on the other side.
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